WASHINGTON—Letting out a loud, slobbery bark as onlookers gasped in horror, a stray Doberman pinscher who put his paw on the inaugural Bible was accidentally sworn in as president of the United States, government officials confirmed Wednesday. The 98-pound short-haired canine, who bounded up the stage and sprinted straight past Secret Service, reportedly knocked over President-elect Joe Biden, licked his face, and then placed his right front paw directly onto the leather-bound volume at the exact moment Chief Justice John Roberts began to recite the oath of office. According to sources, the scene that followed was one of great confusion, with aides informing a visibly dumbfounded Joe and Jill Biden that the Doberman, which clawed several pages out of the family’s heirloom Bible and then proceeded to lick his own groin, would begin his term immediately and serve for the next four years. A White House spokesperson later told reporters that Ace, the nation’s 46th commander-in-chief, would soon take his first trip as president, a visit to Texas during which he is expected to urinate on the border wall.
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